Comments on: 9 Things I Learned in 2009: Living with a Person with Depression http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/ A weblog about urbanism, technology, & culture. Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:54:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: A.D.B. http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-19684 A.D.B. Thu, 27 Oct 2011 01:53:42 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-19684 I came across this site while researching about "divorce and INTPs." Your story really hit home very hard. My ex and I lived a life like you and your wife do. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 26 (I had been having symptoms for a much longer period). I put my family through sheer hell. I would say and do crazy things and then wonder why my ex was angry or upset. Or spend days ignoring my kids or even being angry with them for being hungry or needing attention from me. I'd wake up sad, become energized, then irrational and angry, then crash when night came and contemplate how much I wanted to die. I craved death like nothing else. I finally tried and had to be hospitalized 4 times in a span of 3 months. I also tried to attack my ex by stabbing him (he got me before I could even get close to him) but I was arrested for domestic violence (the charges were dropped thanks to my p-doc). All of it finally came to a halt when I became pregnant with our 3rd child. I stopped taking any medicines but my marriage had really taken a bad beating. I didn't take any more medicine after my little one was born because I had nursed the other two and wanted to do it for that one. I noticed bit by bit that I began to feel better. Here comes the curves...I completely recovered over the next year. When I first became ill, the doctors had no clue what was wrong with me. One of the diseases that they speculated on was porphyria. I had positive tests for it but at that time the tests were very expensive and only done at special labs. The lab wanted to repeat the test because of the unusual pattern but I didn't have the money to do so. I got in touch with the doctor that ran the lab and he believed that I did have porphyria and the bipolar disorder was a misdiagnosis. Unfortunately, the anti-psychotics and anti-depressants that I took made my porphyria much, much worse. So basically, my symptoms were kept alive by taking the medicines. This is why I improved so much after I stopped taking them. I'm an INTP like Wendy. My ex is an ESFJ. Opposites may attract but they will also drive people apart over time. My ex never understood or accepted my introverted ways, my fixation on logic and analysis. He thought I was closed-off and kept him at arms reach. Unfortunately, after 20 marriage, he decided to go and get the love that he felt he was denied at home. I think what hurt the most is that I went into overdrive trying to be the wife and mother that I knew I had not been for a decade. I felt I had failed everyone so I tried to get into the round hole. Oh foolish square peg I was! My ex really preferred the sick, needy, and dependent me. The independent, rational, inquisitive, direct, and cool me was not to his liking at all. I knew he had suffered terribly during that decade and I would have gladly let him go. But he let me believe that he was fine and happy with me until I found about his affair in a most horrible way. I'm glad you are trying to hang on, for your sake, for Wendy's, your boys. Life is an above ground grave at times for those with depression. I'm writing you because even if you don't have an ending like mine (don't worry, I'm happy and on my own with my four children now), I wanted to let you know that there is always hope. There is hope for you guys. Ten years ago, I would have never believed that life would be any better than the grating survival that it was everyday. It did get better. One key was for me to let go of the bitterness I felt. I was robbed. I never went back to school, my kids suffered (my oldest still remembers those dark days), my family suffered...over a decade lost because of some stupid doctors?! I have to tell myself, "yes, that's all true. At least you can look back and say that it is over. And you know what to do if you ever get sick like that again." I'll be thinking of you guys and sending all the good vibes I can. Your story made my cold INTP heart melt. I'm really hoping for brighter days in the future for all of you. Tell your wife I know what it's like (I got molested several times by a neighbor when I was 6 or 7...I don't like to think of it)...you guys can do this. You can make it. Take it from the kindness of internet strangers. Best of the best to you! Drae I came across this site while researching about “divorce and INTPs.” Your story really hit home very hard. My ex and I lived a life like you and your wife do. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 26 (I had been having symptoms for a much longer period). I put my family through sheer hell. I would say and do crazy things and then wonder why my ex was angry or upset. Or spend days ignoring my kids or even being angry with them for being hungry or needing attention from me. I’d wake up sad, become energized, then irrational and angry, then crash when night came and contemplate how much I wanted to die. I craved death like nothing else. I finally tried and had to be hospitalized 4 times in a span of 3 months. I also tried to attack my ex by stabbing him (he got me before I could even get close to him) but I was arrested for domestic violence (the charges were dropped thanks to my p-doc). All of it finally came to a halt when I became pregnant with our 3rd child. I stopped taking any medicines but my marriage had really taken a bad beating. I didn’t take any more medicine after my little one was born because I had nursed the other two and wanted to do it for that one. I noticed bit by bit that I began to feel better. Here comes the curves…I completely recovered over the next year. When I first became ill, the doctors had no clue what was wrong with me. One of the diseases that they speculated on was porphyria. I had positive tests for it but at that time the tests were very expensive and only done at special labs. The lab wanted to repeat the test because of the unusual pattern but I didn’t have the money to do so. I got in touch with the doctor that ran the lab and he believed that I did have porphyria and the bipolar disorder was a misdiagnosis. Unfortunately, the anti-psychotics and anti-depressants that I took made my porphyria much, much worse. So basically, my symptoms were kept alive by taking the medicines. This is why I improved so much after I stopped taking them.

I’m an INTP like Wendy. My ex is an ESFJ. Opposites may attract but they will also drive people apart over time. My ex never understood or accepted my introverted ways, my fixation on logic and analysis. He thought I was closed-off and kept him at arms reach. Unfortunately, after 20 marriage, he decided to go and get the love that he felt he was denied at home. I think what hurt the most is that I went into overdrive trying to be the wife and mother that I knew I had not been for a decade. I felt I had failed everyone so I tried to get into the round hole. Oh foolish square peg I was! My ex really preferred the sick, needy, and dependent me. The independent, rational, inquisitive, direct, and cool me was not to his liking at all. I knew he had suffered terribly during that decade and I would have gladly let him go. But he let me believe that he was fine and happy with me until I found about his affair in a most horrible way.

I’m glad you are trying to hang on, for your sake, for Wendy’s, your boys. Life is an above ground grave at times for those with depression. I’m writing you because even if you don’t have an ending like mine (don’t worry, I’m happy and on my own with my four children now), I wanted to let you know that there is always hope. There is hope for you guys. Ten years ago, I would have never believed that life would be any better than the grating survival that it was everyday. It did get better. One key was for me to let go of the bitterness I felt. I was robbed. I never went back to school, my kids suffered (my oldest still remembers those dark days), my family suffered…over a decade lost because of some stupid doctors?! I have to tell myself, “yes, that’s all true. At least you can look back and say that it is over. And you know what to do if you ever get sick like that again.”

I’ll be thinking of you guys and sending all the good vibes I can. Your story made my cold INTP heart melt. I’m really hoping for brighter days in the future for all of you. Tell your wife I know what it’s like (I got molested several times by a neighbor when I was 6 or 7…I don’t like to think of it)…you guys can do this. You can make it. Take it from the kindness of internet strangers. Best of the best to you!

Drae

]]> By: Wendy’s Dark Decade – JordonCooper.com http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-17419 Wendy’s Dark Decade – JordonCooper.com Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:00:35 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-17419 [...] A bunch of you wrote me with questions and while I tried to respond to as many as possible, some of the answers can be posted here.  In 2009 I wrote a bit about it as well. [...] [...] A bunch of you wrote me with questions and while I tried to respond to as many as possible, some of the answers can be posted here.  In 2009 I wrote a bit about it as well. [...]

]]> By: Sienna Richardson http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-11044 Sienna Richardson Sat, 10 Jul 2010 12:28:25 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-11044 anxiety and depression are hard to treat if the patient has not been checked for years.:~- anxiety and depression are hard to treat if the patient has not been checked for years.:~-

]]> By: Tristan Coleman http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-10518 Tristan Coleman Sat, 01 May 2010 15:42:59 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-10518 Anxiety and depression is one hell of a nasty disease. even if you have everything but if you have clinical depression, you are still nothing.''- Anxiety and depression is one hell of a nasty disease. even if you have everything but if you have clinical depression, you are still nothing.”-

]]> By: My belated response « Wendy Cooper's Weblog http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-10091 My belated response « Wendy Cooper's Weblog Wed, 10 Feb 2010 02:42:49 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-10091 [...] Jordon wrote this post on living with me as I struggled with depression, we got a lot of feedback and we both get e-mail over it.  While I read the post before he [...] [...] Jordon wrote this post on living with me as I struggled with depression, we got a lot of feedback and we both get e-mail over it.  While I read the post before he [...]

]]> By: tj jones http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9904 tj jones Thu, 21 Jan 2010 10:07:47 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9904 Thank you jordon for that impressive testimomial with your wife.Iam going through same thing with mother-in-law.she has been dealing with depression for 20 years along with bipolar disorder.I sometimes wanted to tell my husband i cannot deal with your mother lashes out on me for any reason,blaming me for her faults feeling like iam the bad person because she has this disease.I have 2 small children while my husband away so i deal with it everyday all day.thank you for that impressive story. Thank you jordon for that impressive testimomial with your wife.Iam going through same thing with mother-in-law.she has been dealing with depression for 20 years along with bipolar disorder.I sometimes wanted to tell my husband i cannot deal with your mother lashes out on me for any reason,blaming me for her faults feeling like iam the bad person because she has this disease.I have 2 small children while my husband away so i deal with it everyday all day.thank you for that impressive story.

]]> By: Life around here « Wendy Cooper’s Weblog http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9903 Life around here « Wendy Cooper’s Weblog Thu, 21 Jan 2010 02:55:33 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9903 [...] some issues with a therapist.  Jordon talked a lot about some of the issues in vague terms in this post.  I tend to lump all of the non-depression and the depression issues into one huge pile but as [...] [...] some issues with a therapist.  Jordon talked a lot about some of the issues in vague terms in this post.  I tend to lump all of the non-depression and the depression issues into one huge pile but as [...]

]]> By: Dick Groot http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9690 Dick Groot Wed, 30 Dec 2009 14:44:49 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9690 Having also suffered from years of clinical depression... The this has been my experience on the topic. When our healthy need for safety (nurturing/protection) is not being met we all experience some form of loneliness. This loneliness can translate in different ways and be lost under a host of coping mechanisms.......but for millions of people around the world loneliness translates into various forms of depression – millions clinically diagnosed and most not Thanks for sharing Jordon and Wendy. Having also suffered from years of clinical depression… The this has been my experience on the topic.

When our healthy need for safety (nurturing/protection) is not being met we all experience some form of loneliness. This loneliness can translate in different ways and be lost under a host of coping mechanisms…….but for millions of people around the world loneliness translates into various forms of depression – millions clinically diagnosed and most not

Thanks for sharing Jordon and Wendy.

]]> By: Saturday Links — DashHouse.com http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9654 Saturday Links — DashHouse.com Sat, 26 Dec 2009 13:06:47 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9654 [...] Jordon Cooper on living with a person with depression [...] [...] Jordon Cooper on living with a person with depression [...]

]]> By: Ronnie Collier Stevens http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9633 Ronnie Collier Stevens Thu, 24 Dec 2009 03:37:26 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9633 Thank you for the courage of this incredible candor. A Merry Christmas to you and Wendy and a much better 2010. Thank you for the courage of this incredible candor. A Merry Christmas to you and Wendy and a much better 2010.

]]> By: Seasonal Links: Warmth, Restlessness, Depression, Imitating Christ « Beyond Rivalry http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9616 Seasonal Links: Warmth, Restlessness, Depression, Imitating Christ « Beyond Rivalry Tue, 22 Dec 2009 14:34:10 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9616 [...] 9 Things I Learned in 2009: Living with a Person with Depression, by Jordon Cooper, about his experience of living with his wife, Wendy, who has depression. Powerfully real, because they are still in the midst of a tense, consequential struggle. [...] [...] 9 Things I Learned in 2009: Living with a Person with Depression, by Jordon Cooper, about his experience of living with his wife, Wendy, who has depression. Powerfully real, because they are still in the midst of a tense, consequential struggle. [...]

]]> By: dan h. http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9614 dan h. Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:44:21 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9614 I am hesitant to leave a comment on such a personal post, because I don't know either one of you at all. But this is such an important and powerful story. Thank you (both) so much for sharing this. Blessings to you. I am hesitant to leave a comment on such a personal post, because I don’t know either one of you at all. But this is such an important and powerful story. Thank you (both) so much for sharing this. Blessings to you.

]]> By: Darryl http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9612 Darryl Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:41:44 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9612 Thanks for writing with such honesty, and thanks to Wendy for being open about the struggle. Going through something like this is hellish, and the spouse and children are sometimes forgotten. Charlene's depressions were the toughest time of my life. Praying for God's grace for all of you. Really appreciate you writing this. Thanks for writing with such honesty, and thanks to Wendy for being open about the struggle. Going through something like this is hellish, and the spouse and children are sometimes forgotten. Charlene’s depressions were the toughest time of my life.

Praying for God’s grace for all of you. Really appreciate you writing this.

]]> By: Dave King http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9611 Dave King Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:14:56 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9611 Thanks for sharing. That take guts for both of you. - Peace Thanks for sharing. That take guts for both of you.

- Peace

]]> By: tracey http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9610 tracey Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:11:34 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9610 As an underveloped feeler myself, I have struggled with my sister's depression for years. How self-absorbed does that sound? Your post has reminded me how deep & sometimes overwhelming her struggle is. Thank you. As an underveloped feeler myself, I have struggled with my sister’s depression for years. How self-absorbed does that sound? Your post has reminded me how deep & sometimes overwhelming her struggle is. Thank you.

]]> By: Brian Jon Tap http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9609 Brian Jon Tap Tue, 22 Dec 2009 00:54:54 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9609 Wow, that was a very brave post Jordon. I have been through similar struggles with my wife and I commend you for patience. It is very tough in the face of what has transpired, I am so thankful that you have a renewed sense of hope. I know that one of the things you might face is having to deal with the hurts and that Wendy, not knowing how she hurt you in a "normal thinking" state of mind, may not be able to work through with you. There are no trophies to reward people like yourself who stay and work through challenges that many encourage you to take a different path through. The reward will be helping someone, like you said, that you promised to do life with, and sometimes life is tough. Be rest assured that what you are doing is exactly what God would have you do, and, if Wendy did not have you what would happen? I will be praying for both of you ( and I mean it, not just a nice thing to say). Wow, that was a very brave post Jordon. I have been through similar struggles with my wife and I commend you for patience. It is very tough in the face of what has transpired, I am so thankful that you have a renewed sense of hope. I know that one of the things you might face is having to deal with the hurts and that Wendy, not knowing how she hurt you in a “normal thinking” state of mind, may not be able to work through with you. There are no trophies to reward people like yourself who stay and work through challenges that many encourage you to take a different path through. The reward will be helping someone, like you said, that you promised to do life with, and sometimes life is tough. Be rest assured that what you are doing is exactly what God would have you do, and, if Wendy did not have you what would happen? I will be praying for both of you ( and I mean it, not just a nice thing to say).

]]> By: M Wms http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9602 M Wms Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:36:31 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9602 Wow. Reading your essay about the last year+ with Wendy and the disease of depression is a breath of fresh air because it feels so real -- the experiences, the emotions, the choices you've had to make again and again (to stay or go, to maintain or rebuild, etc.), the management and coping strategies you've developed -- and mostly it's because it's ongoing. This isn't something you and Wendy have conquered -- or something you are telling us that God has 'solved' for you -- so the awkward and tense places between you and in the family still exist, there is uncertainty and struggle even as you write. It's unusual to hear or read such a story, voluntarily written, except from people who think they have now overcome the difficulties they faced. I appreciate your continuing story, written from the midst of it. And I wish you both wellness. Wow.

Reading your essay about the last year+ with Wendy and the disease of depression is a breath of fresh air because it feels so real — the experiences, the emotions, the choices you’ve had to make again and again (to stay or go, to maintain or rebuild, etc.), the management and coping strategies you’ve developed — and mostly it’s because it’s ongoing. This isn’t something you and Wendy have conquered — or something you are telling us that God has ‘solved’ for you — so the awkward and tense places between you and in the family still exist, there is uncertainty and struggle even as you write. It’s unusual to hear or read such a story, voluntarily written, except from people who think they have now overcome the difficulties they faced. I appreciate your continuing story, written from the midst of it. And I wish you both wellness.

]]> By: Kristen http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9599 Kristen Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:26:25 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9599 Thanks for sharing your story, Jordon. As a psychologist who treats many people with depression, anxiety, post-partum depression, bi-polar disorder, etc. etc., the journey back to some semblance of health and wholeness is long and rocky. And I know how much a loved one's illness affects spouses and children. From reading your story, it sounds like you are getting some therapy/support for yourself which will be very helpful for you and your children over time. I hope you continue to do that as long as you need to! God's blessings on you during this holiday season and in the future. Thanks for sharing your story, Jordon. As a psychologist who treats many people with depression, anxiety, post-partum depression, bi-polar disorder, etc. etc., the journey back to some semblance of health and wholeness is long and rocky. And I know how much a loved one’s illness affects spouses and children. From reading your story, it sounds like you are getting some therapy/support for yourself which will be very helpful for you and your children over time. I hope you continue to do that as long as you need to!
God’s blessings on you during this holiday season and in the future.

]]> By: Steve http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9596 Steve Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:01:04 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9596 Remembering to pray for each of you for whatever each moment of the day needs! Remembering to pray for each of you for whatever each moment of the day needs!

]]> By: What He Learned in 2009 « Wendy Cooper’s Weblog http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/comment-page-1/#comment-9595 What He Learned in 2009 « Wendy Cooper’s Weblog Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:20:32 +0000 http://www.jordoncooper.com/2009/12/20/9-things-i-learned-in-2009-living-with-a-person-with-depression/#comment-9595 [...] 20, 2009 Depression , Jordon Cooper Leave a Comment Jordon has a 4000 word post on living with a person with depression.  That person would be me and he wrote the post with my input and edits but it describes from [...] [...] 20, 2009 Depression , Jordon Cooper Leave a Comment Jordon has a 4000 word post on living with a person with depression.  That person would be me and he wrote the post with my input and edits but it describes from [...]

]]>