Homer: Dâ€™oh.Ralph: Me fail English? Thatâ€™s unpossible.
Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising Iâ€™ve seen since I sued the movie â€œThe Never Ending Story.â€
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Troy McClure: Donâ€™t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, heâ€™d eat you and everyone you care about!
Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
Ned Flanders: Iâ€™ve done everything the Bible says â€” even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three â€œHighlanderâ€ movies.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1â€¦2.
Sideshow Bob: Iâ€™ll be back. You canâ€™t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, Iâ€™m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of powerâ€¦like God must feel when heâ€™s holding a gun.
Nelson: Dad didnâ€™t leaveâ€¦ When he comes back from the store, heâ€™s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Lionel Hutz: Well, heâ€™s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace â€œaccidentallyâ€ with â€œrepeatedlyâ€ and replace â€œdogâ€ with â€œson.â€
Comic Book Guy: Last nightâ€™s â€œItchy and Scratchy Showâ€ was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Homer: Iâ€™m normally not a praying man, but if youâ€™re up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer: Save me, Jeebus.
Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
Homer: You donâ€™t like your job, you donâ€™t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thatâ€™s the American way.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am theâ€¦uhâ€¦what cures cancer?
Homer: Bart, with $10,000 weâ€™d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things likeâ€¦love!
Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, â€œTo Kill A Mockingbird,â€ and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skinâ€¦but what good does *that* do me?
Chief Wiggum: Canâ€™t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we canâ€™t be policing the entire city!
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Itâ€™s what separates us from the animalsâ€¦except the weasel.
Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everythingâ€™s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Yâ€™ever sat down and read this thing? Technically weâ€™re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that donâ€™t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Hereâ€™s to alcohol, the cause of â€” and solution to â€” all lifeâ€™s problems.
Homer: When will I learn? The answers to lifeâ€™s problems arenâ€™t at the bottom of a bottle, theyâ€™re on TV!
Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Duffman: Duffman canâ€™t breathe! OH NO!
Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: Old people donâ€™t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Troy McClure: Hi. Iâ€™m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as â€œSmoke Yourself Thinâ€ and â€œGet Some Confidence, Stupid!â€
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 poundsâ€¦it makes ice.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, youâ€™d step over your own mother just to get one! But you canâ€™t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thatâ€™s even remotely true!
Mr. Burns: Iâ€™ll keep it short and sweet â€” Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Kent Brockman: â€¦And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Homer: You donâ€™t win friends with salad.
Mr. Burns: I donâ€™t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, thereâ€™s too many fat children.
Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. Thereâ€™s a *New* Mexico?
Homer: He didnâ€™t give you gay, did he? Did he?!
Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. Youâ€™re from two different worldsâ€¦ Oh, Iâ€™ve wasted my life.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Superintendent Chalmers: Iâ€™ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly childrenâ€¦
Mr. Burns: What good is money if it canâ€™t inspire terror in your fellow man?
Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Ralph:Slow down, Bart! My legs donâ€™t know how to be as long as yours.
Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they canâ€™t do?
Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient isâ€¦ Love!? Whoâ€™s been screwing with this thing?
Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? Iâ€™m kidding, Iâ€™m kidding. I work, I work.
Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glowâ€¦and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Homer: Kids, kids. Iâ€™m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Milhouse: Look out, Itchy! Heâ€™s Irish!
Homer: Iâ€™m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I wonâ€™t be back for ten minutes!
Smithers: Iâ€™m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
Principal Skinner: Thatâ€™s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
Superintendent Chalmers: â€œThank the Lordâ€? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts donâ€™t have a place within an organized religion.
Bill Gates: I didnâ€™t get rich by signing checks.
Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether itâ€™s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
Homer: Oh, Iâ€™m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I donâ€™t have to listen to myself. Iâ€™m drunk.
Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.
Homer: I hope I didnâ€™t brain my damage.
Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Homer: Iâ€™m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
Homer: Beer. Now thereâ€™s a temporary solution.
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. Iâ€™m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.
Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if youâ€™re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO boxâ€¦
Milhouse: I canâ€™t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
Apu: Thank you, steal again.
Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman â€” and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesnâ€™t hurt Mother Earth. Itâ€™s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
Homer: How could you?! Havenâ€™t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnâ€™t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.