I was talking with Gloria Reimer today. A short summary of what we talked about.
- It has been 20 years (August 1st, 1985) that my grandfather, Rev. Gordon Stewart Jenner, died. It was hard for me for a couple of reasons. Not only did he mean a lot to me but I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral (long, horrible story). One time after driving home from the Worship Freehouse, Wendy mentioned that she thought that he would be proud of me. I replied, “We just had worship in a pub, he would have disowned me.” I think I may be wrong but during times like this I do miss him a lot.
- I talked about how hard it is to talk about this stuff. I am an INTJ/ENTJ. I value competancy above all else (that and repressed feelings). This is something that I can’t overcome by competancy. My first reaction everytime I lead my doctors office (actually it’s my second reaction, my first is, “not more blood work”) is that I need to find a doctor with better answers. My entire life has been based around being able to come up with better answers. This I can’t. I feel like I have failed myself. Stupid I know.
- Years ago when I worked at Lakeview, someone came in some afternoon and I was the only pastor around. She was upset and angry over the answers I was giving her. She walked and told me that at the end of the day, I got to go home to my “perfect family” (I am assuming she never met my extended family or inlaws) while she was stuck in this. She was angry at me for not being able to fix the problem. I feel that way somedays. I feel like a billable hour. The thing is that it is the furthest thing from the truth. My doctor has called me at home to check in. He has called specialists. He has kept me up to date on not finding anything but there is a bit of rejection that comes with not getting the answers one wants.
- Everyone is asking me what I am learning. A little to esoteric to write about here and I am not sure this is the place to share them. I will talk a little more about that later. For right now I am being dragged against my will to go with Wendy to Shakespeare on the Saskatchewan with Todd and Corina Peters. Maybe I should have learned to listen to what Wendy is asking me before saying yes.